Talking to Women - The Story
of Victor (Part
2)
(Read Part 1)
 A friend of mine (I’ll call
him Victor) was the quintessential geek. He looked the
part too. He was scared to death of talking to women, and
suffered tremendously because of it. He was confident in
some aspects of his life, but he felt socially inept and
the mere thought of approaching women paralyzed
him and literally made him stutter.
But Victor was smart. And so
he began learning and applying some simple
tips and techniques for reaching his goal of,
first, approaching women; and then, finding the girl
of his dreams.
He first picked the place he felt most comfortable at;
in his case... a computer store!
Not the usual place to meet women, granted, but there he felt a
lot less pressure of
having to ‘perform’, of having to be a ‘player’.
Not all men are comfortable at a club or at a
bar. How about a café? Or a grocery
store? How about a bookstore? Where do you feel
comfortable? Where do you feel
you have something to say, something to ask, or something to
share, instead of having
to prove something, or performing?
Start where you feel more at ease. So, first
tip:
By picking a field/subject he knew and was passionate
about, Victor also eliminated
having to come up with clever conversation
starters. All he needed to do was be himself,
either commenting on how fast a certain computer was, or
helping a girl by answering
a specific question.
Whether you know a lot about the subject you picked or
not, it doesn’t really matter.
What matters is that you’re passionate or at least
interested about it. Your conversation
will be informed by this passion, and that’s what counts.
Let’s suppose you know nothing about organic foods, but the
subject intrigues you. Well,
you can go to an organic market and ask questions to a girl who
seems to know more
than you do. All you need to be is yourself!
So, second tip:
- Be passionate. Be
yourself.
This task never felt to Victor as if he
were ‘picking up women’, like it had felt every time
he was dragged by his friends into a club. This was just about
learning to feel comfortable
in the presence of, and speaking to women.
He wasn’t picky about what women he talked to, because
these encounters weren’t
meant to have any continuity. At the beginning it wasn’t even
about getting phone numbers
or anything like that. The goal was just to speak to
women—even if they were with their
boyfriends or their mothers! He would talk to both, who
cares.
And after a week he got really good at it. He knew he could
approach women and speak
to them. He could listen to their questions, their needs, and
attempt to help them. He
could even watch their gestures, and began to learn whether
they were interested in
continuing talking to him or not. Before, he was so intimidated
and nervous that he
wouldn't notice if the girl in front of him liked him or wanted
to run for the hills.
His confidence began to build and he was now ready
to go a little further. He would
continue talking to women, and if the opportunity arose, he
would get a phone number.
The key here being ‘if the opportunity arose’. So, our final
tips in the subject of talking to
women:
- Don’t force it. Wait for the
opportunity (to ask for a phone number, to ask
her out, whatever).
Forcing things when there's no opening can be potentially
disastrous because it gives
the message that 'you had an agenda all along' and this can
ruin some of the trust
you've built. Instead, by responding to an opportunity,
you're following the energy of the
moment and being spontaneous about the new possibilities
that is opening up.
But…
- Seize the opportunity when it comes!
Some opportunities may never
show up again.
And what if it doesn't come?
- If the opportunity doesn't come, find
a way to create it!
Think about it. Before you began your conversation with
her, you created the opportunity
for this to happen. And you did by not forcing anything.
You asked a question, or made
an open comment. At each level of the 'relationship' you will
need to create opportunities
and seize them. Building confidence with
women is a bit of an art and a bit of a science.
Victor not only got over his fear of talking to women,
he also met the girl he would
eventually marry. He met her, of all places, at a movie
theatre, which would have been unthinkable a few weeks
earlier. Confidence with women, in his case, was a journey
towards being comfortable with his own self.
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